An open letter to a sullen collegiate sound-man’s assistant.
Dear Sullen Collegiate Sound-Man’s Assistant,
We Gentlemen enjoy a good time as much as the next guy. Probably more. During our schooling – and more than occasionally still – we’ve have been known to pepper our weekends with the sorts of debauched pleasures enjoyed by collegiate males the world over.
We thus understand better than you realize that your perfect picture of a Saturday night likely does not involve you being one of four assistants to the sound engineer at a dry, university-sponsored, coffeehouse concert featuring a peculiar, anachronistic two-man band. That the two-man band’s sound engineering needs are minimal (leaving you little to assist with), that you find the duo’s music particularly unsuited to your suspect tastes, that there appear to very few unspoken-for ladies present …
Well, we realize these things only make your evening’s good-times forecast more dire. Perhaps you’re required to be here for this semester’s Sullen Sound-Man’s Assistant course. Perhaps your fellow sound-man’s assistants lured you here with the promise of unspoken-for ladies or a duo better suited to your suspect musical tastes. Either way, here we are. Together. Please accept our apologies.
That said, in the interest of a harmonious evening, we humbly make the following requests of you.
We request that you and your three fellow sound-man’s assistants do not occupy the four tables directly in front of the stage. Traditionally, the tables directly in front the stage are reserved for patrons who enjoy the musical offerings of the evening’s performers, not for the sound-man’s assistants. Also, as there are four sound-man’s assistants in total, and four chairs at each table, may we politely suggest that wherever you do choose to sit, the four of you share a table? Four young men at four separate tables, each with one occupied and three vacant seats suggests four anti-social, ill-mannered loners; a scene unlikely to attract any unspoken-for ladies. I see a poorly-lit table in the back of the room that might suit you nicely.
We request that you attempt to conceal any looks of “this is the worst band I’ve ever seen.” If we are the worst band you’ve ever seen, we suggest that you go to see live music more often. I’m sure you’ll find that there are worse bands. You can probably find one tonight, in your own town. We request that you save your “this is the worst band I’ve ever seen” look for them.
Fair enough? Splendid. We look forward to making music near you.
Yours very truly,
Andy Bean & Fuller Condon
The Two man Gentlemen Band